So it’s time for the video game magnates of the world to congregate and smoke cigars in honor of making a killing off of a record-setting year. Yes yes, gentlemen, pat yourselves on the back and speculate about the future - wait, what:
“Israeli firm 3DV will be demonstrating its camera technology that can detect depth of movement. Gamers can swing an imaginary golf club or interact with a 3D world just by using their hands and arms and without the need for a controller.”
Oh my god you guys, be careful - remember?
(Also Striker from Burnout 3 is without a doubt cloned from this narrator)
“The conference also features a strong mobile gaming element. ‘We are seeing more and more big game companies take the space seriously. The sea change is that traditional game developers are less snarky about mobile and casual than they were because of the power of phones today.’”
I don’t give a damn how snarky you are about it - developers, you better understand how far you are behind actual portable consoles if you want to avoid creating lasting legacies based solely around parody sites again. I mean look at this.
I mean, you may succeed. That happens from time to time. Then again, even if you guys do manage to screw everything up by getting caught in a time warp back to bad ideas from the dark days of innovation, we can always count on the artists to turn it upside down and make something wonderful again. Keep giving us your best and worst, guys!

Ahem! Today…

Super Widget is one of many undistinguished side-scrollers for the SNES. The controls are slippery and it is pretty easy, but in 1993 I was obsessed with this game. “Why?” You may ask that. You would even be right to! It’s a long story. Around that time I got my very first pet. It was a hermit crab. Well, I had a turtle when I was in 2nd grade, but it died after 2 weeks (RIP Michaelangelo! You were the sweetest turtle. Too bad I accidentally fried you). Mr. Wimpy, on the other hand, lived for 3 glorious years. Now you don’t see it in this video, but one of Widget’s transformations was into a hermit crab, a hermit crab that bore a lovely, purple-faced resemblance to Mr. Wimpy. The other thing that’s awesome about Super Widget is that the power-ups are all basically identical except for the cryptic letters inscribed upon them. Seriously, I got that “M” probably stood for marine of some sort, but “S”? “L”? It has that magical combination of laziness and pure strangeness that’s sadly been lost in the post 16-bit world. The bosses were really poorly animated, but then you had things like the giant pig-satyr with the stick that spit things. Also, the music is really catchy. I still have a cartridge of this lying around, and sometimes I pop it in and relive those innocent days of yore, days of Mr. Wimpy, leggings, and giant “Save the Whales” t-shirts. So I guess the point is that Super Widget is a really, really bad game, but I love it anyway, because, hey, colors! And nostalgia! And hideous-yet-cute chimeras! Everyone loves chimeras! OK, maybe only I love chimeras.

n.b. my other favorite product tie-in game is Cool Spot, which unlike Super Widget is actually pretty good, and responsible for 900% of our household consumption of cool, refreshing 7-up!

THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS

_{WARNING: I MAY HAVE GOTTEN REALLY DRUNK WATCHING THE KING OF KONG AND COOING OVER ALL THE FUNSPOT SCENES}

In case you’ve never been linked to this, you’ve just read through Buttlord GT for the fifth time, or it’s been awhile since you’ve seen it, Polybius is proud to present:

The Doom Comic.

Best experienced when you (and perhaps a friend) read it out loud. Do the sound effects. SHOOOOF

Continuing in the vein of things only I care about (somnambulatory romhacks; my own dick), it is with great joy that I reveal to you all the thing that will kill your workday:

THE ANIMAL CROSSING MOVIE IS ON YOUTUBE

It’s a clump of eye-watering animu and there’s not much difference between the movie and watching someone play the game for an hour, but god damn it sometimes that is what I want. I do not always want to use my brain and that is why I rented I Downloaded A Ghost from Netflix this morning. ALSO: It is sort of satisfying that Tom Nook is a complete prick in the movie. Just like we always thought.