Nothing was better for shovelware schadenfreude than the advent of the 3D engine, and much to my delight, nobody in shovelware seems to have yet found free rendering software that works any better than it did in 1995. Today’s example (coming to you from Kotaku) is a game called Zoo Racing, which, despite ostensibly being a Christian alternative to Forza Motorsport (or, more accurately, Wacky Wheels), feels a lot more like a really good notional Xiu Xiu video¹.

The game’s website is something else altogether, and gives you valuable playing tips. “[W]hen running on the “Moon” itself,” it warns, “be careful of the crows there and them dropping their crow poop on the ground towards you. Do not mistake the food for the crow poop, because eating crow poop results in a speed penalty, which will slow you down.” If you’re wondering why there are crows on the moon, the Creature Stories page reveals the answer:

“HANNAH, said the Lord. I PUT THE CROWS ON THE MOON. DO NOT BE MAD AT THE CROWS, FOR THEY ARE ONLY A SYMBOL OF THE TRIALS AND TESTINGS THAT OCCUR IN YOUR REAL LIFE. YOU MUST OVERCOME ALL THE OBSTACLES THAT LIFE MAY BRING YOUR WAY AND ALSO TRUST IN ME THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY AND YOU WILL BE A BLESSED CREATURE.

So, just like the real moon, then.

There’s a lot to unpack here — the tremendously unsettling introduction; the reductive and baffling discussion of the plausibility of biblical animal racing; the horse disco — but once you’ve watched it and your brain has stopped spinning, answer me this: Is this game NOT totally ripe for a Get A Life tie-in? Is this game NOT basically Zoo Animals on Wheels?

Modding community, here’s your chance to do something truly great.

¹ Although it does now occur to me that the “Boy Soprano” video reminds me a whole lot of I Wanna Be The Guy, which I also associate with paranoia and helpless despondence, so good on you, Jamie.