ALRIGHT, Fei Fong Wong. You have been perched on my shelf for weeks now in your big black mech-bot, all cocky and ready to go, eyeing me as I do anything possible to avoid completing your “holy mission” or whatever. Yeah, I know, there is this big monolith “God” sprawled all over your world map and your people are all terror-struck and desperate, and I know you are itching to get me in there so you can start kicking some ass until you inevitably Hulk out and then cry a lot and make me press “X” for an hour and a half.

Don’t get me wrong, little man. You are part of the most awesome and compelling fantasy Christ metaphor in Japanese culture, more directional than Akira and less emotionally cloying than Evangelion, and I love all that Gnostic Kabbalah mess as much as the next new age chick. But you knew how I was about beating games before we even started and I am just really pissed that you would lead me through SIXTY HOURS of your adventure only to do the same thing all RPGs do before the end-stage: drastically alter the world map and allow me infinite leveling time before entering the “final dungeon” which is sure to have at least six boss fights.

Do you think I am excited about that? Now I am going to have to add you to the list of RPGs I have “played through” but “not beaten”, and when people inevitably want to talk to me about the end, I’ll have to wave my hands wildly and cover my ears dramatically and beg not to get spoilers. DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE THAT CHICK? Ostensibly the point of RPGs is supposed to involve knowing the full arcs and scopes of stories, not getting drawn into a vortex of obsessive leveling, and yet you and your little buddies keep doing the same thing to me. I would like you to know that the wonderful and elite company you are keeping includes classics like Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy Six, a bunch of Suikodens, Earthbound, and both Kingdom Hearts games, asshole.

Yeah, you don’t feel so special now, do you, dick? Your lovingly drawn little sprites aren’t so unique NOW are they? Your storyline doesn’t look so untouchable and epic now, does it? Your awesome explorable levels, charmingly bad translation, and GOD I AM SO ANGRY. YOU ARE SO GOOD. Are you going to make me start you over so I can remember what the fuck happened before I beat you? Fuck! Fuck you!