No, I did not get to hang out in the desert with all of the New-Media Journalists that Chuck Klosterman denies exist and fail to touch the Wii and scoff at the PS3 price point and sort of scuff dirt at the XBox360 which is already out and therefore BORING. I did not need to because:

- Games that are grittier and more depressing than my own real life are useless to me. Example: The other day I was walking back from a failed job interiew in a wool suit on a hot day and saw a man throw up all over his own legs not half a block from my cramped apartment. Why would I need a mode of escapism to beat me at that game? I understand that some people have spent hundreds of dollars to upgrade their computer’s video card in order to play a game where you can more realistically fight rats. I have to do this for real if I bring garbage out to the trash hutch after 6 PM. And do you know what I do not get in return? Experience points, and also gold and potions. When I sit down in front of my gaming device of choice, I want to be presented with flying bananas and music that necessitates the term “dweedely,” and I want to have the same reaction to my protagonist as I do over Cute Overload. I mean, I’m sort of going off the deep end here about this, but if the only way I can get the boom to swing around is to have it swing wide, so be it. Blue Skies Campaign forever.
- Relatedly: Loco Roco will destroy me by never being released on a platform that I will ever touch without wearing gloves. Why don’t you release Rock and Roll Racing 2 on the Sega Saturn while you’re at it? Why don’t you release tits on a cactus?
- Apparently, the line for the Wii was six hours long, and my New Gaming Journalism Cred Level is on par with my Oncoming-Train-Punching Skill Level, so it’s a big old moot point anyway. Guess I’ll just keep waving this stick of butter at my monitor in sync with the shaky YouTube’d handicam footage of Super Mario Galaxies, occasionally pointing it at myself instead and taking a little guilty chomp out of it, the tears streaming down my wrist and pooling on my desk, because why, why, how did I even get here, why.

SO: Once again I resign myself to being the WORST New Independent Media Video Game Internet Journalism Blogger of all time because I am unemployed and broke and have no industry ties and hate everything anyone ever releases and really all I ever do is sit up until 2 in the morning playing Animal Crossing to the extent that when Frobert moved out of town I was seized with a tangible and real sense of loss. SO KEEP READING, GUYS!