Today I was hand-picked by Nintendo of America to provide my expert insight to the way they’re running their WiFi service, which doubtlessly proves that Reggie Fils-Aime reads this website, so let me make an aside here for a second: Reggie? Ol’ Jawctagon? Four words, bucko: Rock. And. Roll. Revolution. Just sayin’.

RIGHT, point is, I got to answer a million questions, none of them pertaining to which hats I wanted to see in Animal Crossing, which is a shame because this annotated list is just going to waste!! Mostly what they asked was “do you want to play over WiFi in an Arby’s/Wendy’s/Burger King/Rob Roy/Quiznos/Sbarro/[et al.] and I had to sneakily find the little tick box for “subway” because even though they would have to strap wireless routers to hobos and enterprising moles to get that to work and they would be way ahead of say Verizon in that regard, I really would like to be able to play a four-way Tetris match against x1MM0RTALx and ROB♥SJEN and U MAD while tootling around underneath Boston and peacefully tuning out the wino throwing up all over a baby and the Kyrgyzstanian grandmother screaming her shopping list to herself. [dreamy sigh]

The other thing the survey harped on was Nintendowifi.com and whether or not it is useful, WHICH IS IT NOT, since the only reason anyone would ever use it is to check their world ranking and THAT PART IS BROKEN. No Nintendo I do not want to upload video of my Tony Hawk escapades, I want to see if I am beating my roommate w/r/t the universe.

So basically the breaking news is Nintendo wants you to play Nintendo in some new places of business and also go to their website. I KNOW, RIGHT??? HOW WERE YOU ALL ALIVE BEFORE THIS??? YOU GOT SERVED, KOTAKU