I haven’t posted anything on here in about NINE BILLION YEARS [twelve days] because I have been LITERALLY CAPTIVATED BY [emanored of] my adorable teal DS that belonged to an eight year-old before I bought it used. The nickname on it was JEFF with a face icon and it came with the Nintendogs screen wiper. I asked the woman at Gamespot if it came with the game Nintendogs and when she said no I hit her in the face with a rack of Onimusha 3 strategy guides [whimpered softly]. Then I bought Animal Crossing, so good thing I wasn’t dating anyone or my Valentine’s Day would have been spent stylus-tapping myself around Ersilia in search of more fruit-themed furniture while face-palming some emotionally vampiric significant other to keep her away from my burgeoning Bell total. “I THOUGHT YOU SAID I LOOKED PRETTY IN THIS SUNDRESS” I would dimly hear over the peppy town theme, kicking dangerous chocolates away from my power cable, because you know I can’t have that shit run out of juice while I’m writing a letter. Specifically, a letter to an imaginary computer animal.

Now that I own a console made since the Clinton administration (PS1 right behind me as I type, pouting and whirring) I am suddenly all over breaking news like it was made of marzipan and wishes. Every other DS owner I know winces when I greet them and quietly lean back to bear the strain of my giddy exhortations. “DID YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT ELECTROPLANKTON????” I scream, spittle flecking onto their necks. “We knew about that four mont—” they begin, but I’m already uppercutting them into telephone poles! That’s how excited I am about my Nintendo Dual-Screen Portable Entertainment Platform!!!!!!!

So imagine my erect delight when I saw word of the upcoming Opera DS web browser, or try to imagine it, don’t just stuff it all in your head at once because it will explode. Tiny birds woke me up this morning screaming about screen resolution and how belittled the internets will become when viewed in this fashion, and I pealed merry laughter, because who else remembers the reading the internet like this???? I did, if you replace Wikipedia with newsgroup posts about Magic: The Gathering and hints for Jazz Jackrabbit. On the internet I began with, you could not accidentally see a dog’s penis. Maybe the DS browser should just be running Mosaic 1.0 through a handheld port of WINSOCK.EXE or something.

Anyway THE POINT IS that the DS is slowly encroaching on PSP territory in terms of homebrew software availability (Behold: Linux) and given that you have to downgrade and hack your PSP to get it to do anything fun in the first place, as soon as I can play Cocoron in a teal box on the bus I will consider the DS the winnar because Do You Know What The PSP Has For Games. Seriously it’s like an antelope threw up in a change purse and then made a thousand screaming message boards about how great it was. More on homebrew/hack stuff later since I need to go with my best friend to meet some guy in the parking lot of a strip club and give him $200. True story!