So, apparently, back in the young heady days of the internet, or 1999, whichever is earlier, there was a simple flash game called Elf Bowling¹ released as a demo for the services of the viral-marketing-through-games company NStorm. The entire premise behind this game is a cheesed off Santa² showing the elf union who’s boss through the power of bowling. Want better wages? How about a fiece concussion! After all, what says happy holidays better than a little Pinkerton action? Apparently nothing, as this game has spawned five sequels and a Cafe Press line of merchandise (the sign of unique and interesting source material, to be sure).

So, I was in EB Games on Saturday, and what do I find in the DS section? Could it be a repackaging of seven year old tripe for a handheld? Why, it is! I am so happy that I can now keep the working man down wherever I go! It’s being distributed by another winner of a company, Ignition, who’s corporate motto, “The Videogame Redefined” is absolutley true provided that you mean from “an electronic game” to “Licensed pieces of crap”. I mean seriously, it’s the elf thing, another direct flash port, and fucking Animaniacs, which has been off the air for years now.

People, what the hell. Please get out of the industry. Go into insurance or something, where this sort of soulessness is standard operational proceedure.

¹ You can still get these crap games for free; just turn off all your browser security settings, give them your email address, your name, your social security number, a photo ID, and your firstborn child, and you can download away to your heart’s content.

² Or Santa’s loser brother, Dingle. Ha! Dingle Kringle! It’s hilarious! If you’re two years old!