Nickd showed me this quick video of ten guesses as to possible uses for the magical Nintendo Revolution energy-wand. They’re alright, sort of obvious (except for the awesome F-Zero paddle-tilt-as-curve-tightening idea), which begs the question: Why aren’t the crazies all over this? Like the kid in elementary school who assured me that the serial port on the NES could unlock a secret chocolate factory in Super Mario Brothers that had a preview of Super Mario World? Where’s their list? Here’s what I want to see coming out of the unfounded rumor factory before launch:

• Remote-as-kancho-hand. Isn’t that your dad in the living room? Thrust the paddle forward to jab your index finger into his asshole! Again, again! Ha ha! You’re the kancho master!
• A port of Doom 3 controlled by paddle, until you need to use the flashlight, at which point you have to rotate the controller 90 degrees and point the wand at the screen to look around. It’s even more laborious than making a console macro! Plus, when something jumps out from behind a crate, you’ll probably pitch the controller across the room in terror, right through a window, and boom, you’re out $50.
• Optional rubber harness for Revolution controller which straps it to your — hey, hear me out first, pervs — to your crotch. Or your forehead, for the world’s first unicorn duel sim. Fuck it, make it a unicorn dating sim slash fighting game. Now everybody’s happy.
• Some lazy third-party developer churns out Lazer Pointer: The Game in two weeks for $500. It ends up being a straight port of Operation: Wolf with all the sprites changed to make it seem like you’re that douchebag twelve year-old who somehow got into a showing of Syriana and won’t stop making sniper-scope marks on everyone’s forehead. The game tanks at launch, but me and all my ironic hipster asshole friends comb the used bins for this like sharks on chum.
• Irritating Stick Revolution.